Rice
by Sakura onto Hitomi
Summary: Nine Crimes: She had thought they were happy, believed it was so. It was all a lie...


**_Nine Crimes_**  
_-Is that alright with you?-

* * *

_

Curling up in the bed she had claimed for the past four years, the raven-haired woman allowed yet another onset of tears to fall from her chocolate orbs. It was not the first time that night she had cried, and it would probably not be the last. Her gaze dropped to the silver band on her left ring finger, which still held a slight shine even after so long. It had been all a lie, hadn't it? All this time, and yet he was not here with her now. The pain in her chest increased as she went into a fetal position, allowing her tears to flow.

It was one thing to live the life of ignorance and quite another to know what secrets were once hidden so carefully, like buried treasure. She had thought they were happy, believed it was so. Every time he had looked at her, his eyes held such warmth and gentleness. His eyes she had thought contained love were only on her. It was all a lie. Never again would she be able to look into his eyes and not think he was just putting on a show. He had wanted her to believe in him, so much so he had disguised his eyes to demonstrate all the things he could never say. And she had fallen for it all.

The worst of it was she had only found out by accident. She had not picked up on his odd behaviors, had not noticed how his eyes had become dull and sad. When he held her at night, how had she not have felt his arms stiff and uncomfortable. His lips had become distant when he gave her a kiss before leaving for the day. She had told herself he was just under a lot of pressure from work. It was a simple excuse and allowed her to keep her simple life of illusions.

Nothing in this room felt real anymore. This bed that they had shared felt cold and uninviting. It offered her no comfort, only allowed her tears to soak into its stale sheets. How many nights had they stayed up on this bed and simply talked? Every word she cherished and believed, when he had only been giving her twisted tales of fiction. She gave him everything, her life and heart, and it had been for nothing but pain and ruin. This bed was once their safe haven from the rest of the world. They would bury themselves under the blankets and simply be together, refusing to acknowledge something went on around them. It had been an act all this time.

The pictures on the nightstand were frozen moments of performance. While she had been genuinely happy, he had forced himself into the role she wished. The first time they went to the shore for the weekend. The first time he had met her parents. Her birthday only a few years back. Their friend's wedding day. The night he had proposed. Their own wedding photo. All of these falsities surrounded her, mocking her as if they knew what had been captured.

She could have convinced herself it wasn't true, that he did truly love her as he once proclaimed. If someone had told her, she would have not believed them and return to her happy life. Unfortunately, she could not do that ever again for she had seen him, with his arms around another woman…with his lips pressed against hers. When they entered the hotel room, she could bare no more. She had run to the place that was once her solace, which was now only a stranger. With that, her cries continued, not daring to hold back everything that had caused them to form.

* * *

He knew she had been there. He did not need to see her to know this was true. Her scent had traveled to invade his senses, just like they always had since the very first day. He had noticed only a little too late, when this other woman had pressed her lips against his. There was nothing he could do when she had pulled him inside, leaving his wife to flee from the scene without allowing him to run to her and explain everything. Oh how he wanted to. Now, it was probably too late. 

This woman gazed at him with hard eyes, regardless of what emotion she wanted to display. Her eyes had grown cold a long time ago and there was no going back. There was no going back for him either. Finally, this all had caught up with him, and he would have to pay the consequences of his silent actions.

She reached up and stroked his cheek as a means of instigating what she wanted. Slowly, he took her hand in his and lowered them both. With sadness in his eyes, he gazed at the woman standing before him. Yes, he had done her wrong so many years ago, but he could not continue this out of obligation. It was hurting too many people now, people he cared about. When she sent him a questioning glance, he knew it was time. "This has to end." He could tell she was confused by his sudden statement, but he did not wish to elaborate.

Finally, she spoke up, finding her words. "Why would you want to do that? Is it because…?" She knew this man was married, but she did not care. He was supposed to be hers anyway, if not for circumstances out of their control. After everything that had happened between them, she deserved at least some of his nights, regardless of his promise to another.

Releasing her hand, he walked over and sat on the bed. This was their bed, the one they had shared more than once. It was cold and uninviting tonight, just as it had been every other time. No matter how hard he tried, it never felt the same as the one he had at home. With a sigh, he lowered his head and tried to find the words to explain. The small shift in the mattress told him she had seated herself next to him, also trying to figure out what to say. Finally, he looked over at her and spoke truthfully, "I love my wife, you know. Very much." That was what killed him every time he came here. No matter what transpired in this room, his heart remained with the woman that wore the silver band on her ring finger, the one he had slipped on with joy about four years ago.

This woman gave a small chuckle as a response. "You love her? That's why you're here with me, right?" Shaking her head, she turned to gaze at him more intently. What she would not give to go back to a time when his eyes held love for her again. Now, she was as content as she could be to at least wake up in his arms, being the other woman. "We don't have to stop. Why should we?" She knew it was not the same as being with him all the time, to be able to love him for all the world to see. This man was the one that first claimed her heart, regardless of what it was now. The times had hardened her, but what she felt for him was still there.

Sighing, he took her hand and gave her a sad smile. If things had been different, it would be her that wore the wedding ring on her finger. She would be the one that shared his bed in the comfort of their own home. It would be her he would love. However, fate had not been on their side, separating them from each other in the most painful way possible. As strongly as he had felt for her then, he loved his wife much more. He loved everything about her from the way her eyes lit up when she saw him, to the way she lay close beside him at night. It was her he was destined for, not for this woman he was with now.

Silently, he stood up, still holding her hand in his. Seeing her look at him desperately, he leaned down and kissed her hand gently. Softly, he moved forward and whispered into her ear. "You will always be dear to me." He could smell the tear that escaped her eye without her wanting. Gazing into her eyes one last time, he smiled slightly before turning toward the door, releasing her hand in the process.

"Inuyasha!" Her hand quickly grabbed onto his shirt, trying as hard as she could to keep him. They had been separated once already. She did not think she could bare losing him again. What she did not realize, however, is that she did not have him now, even when they were together. He had always belonged to one woman.

With his eyes shut tightly, he willed himself to remain strong. There was no way this could continue. He had already decided that a while ago, even before he knew his beloved had seen them. Thinking of her struck a chord inside him. He could see her smiling face, the way her hair swayed in the wind, how she bit her bottom lip when she was nervous. With all these images in his head, he had enough strength to do what needed to be done. He turned around quickly and released her hold on him, cutting her off for good. The look in his eyes told her this was the end. There was no reason to plead or beg. Without a word, she dropped her arm and watched him leave the hotel room, giving her a soft goodbye before leaving her.

* * *

She heard him walk in through the front door and place his keys on the entry table. Had it been any other day, she would come happily to the door to greet him, smiling as he returned the greeting with a kiss. This was not any other day, nor would it ever be again. She did not even know who that man was. The man she thought she knew did not exist. If he did, none of this would have happened. 

The small knock on the door told her he was just on the other side, waiting for her to say something. She did not want to see him, this stranger she had been with the last four years. Her tears continued to fall, but turned silent not moments ago. There was nothing she had to say to him, however painful it was knowing he was just beyond that door. The doorknob had attempted to move, but she had locked the door when she had first entered. She wanted to be alone in her sorrows.

Try as he might, he knew she had locked the door, separating him from the one his heart cried out for. If he had any doubts before, he knew now that she had seen. With a heavy sigh, he turned around and slid down the length of the wall to seat himself on the floor. His gaze toward the ceiling, he thought over what he could possibly say to her now. How could he explain why he betrayed not only their vows, but her trust as well? Even though he could not hear it, he knew she had been and still was crying. His heart shattered at that moment, knowing he was the cause of her tears, her pain. He did not deserve her.

She had heard the thump, assuming he had sat down on the floor. That told her he knew he had been discovered. Otherwise, he would have laughed and made a game out of being locked out. No, no games this time. This was serious, the breaking point. None of their fights came close. This was the moment that would dictate the rest of their lives. Sniffing as silently as she could, she peered down at the ring once again. It appeared duller than she remembered.

The silence was almost too painful to bare. All he wanted to do was break down that door and wipe away all her tears, convincing her it was all just a terrible dream…a nightmare that would disappear with the coming sun. How he wished it could be that simple. He had broken her, perhaps beyond compare. He breathed out her name softly, painfully before calculating his next step.

"Kagome…" She heard her name break through the silence, surprising her with the amount of emotion the word held. How many times had he said her name with so much love and devotion? It did not matter. He had betrayed her, revealing himself as someone she had never known. Regardless of this conviction, she picked up her pillow and crawled over to the door, not trusting her legs to carry her. As much as she wanted it to, the bed would not give her the comfort she required. She needed some sort of closure before she could move on. Whether that included her husband or not was yet to be seen.

Hearing her shift on the bed and move slowly toward the door, he did not give himself the hope that she might open it. As he predicted, he heard her settle on the floor next to the door. If the wall had not been separating them, they would probably be back to back at this moment. The salt from her tears hit him even harder now that she was so close. If only he could reach over and hold her close, kissing away every single one of those watery features that dared to travel across her beautiful face. How could he have done this to her? The one he cherished most in the world was in pain because of him, and it killed him. She should be smiling like she always does, welcoming him home after a long day of work. A bowl of ramen would be sitting on the table as a late night small dinner and she would sit with him the entire time, watching him eat so he would not be alone. They would sit in the living room and watch a bit of television while sitting the couch, relaxing and letting the day's stress wash away. When that was finally over, they would go to their bedroom and lay in each other's arms until they drifted off to sleep. Their home, their bed, was always so comforting and warm when she was there.

While he was in his thoughts, she did her best to summon some amount of courage. Thousands of questions bombarded her mind until she finally settled on one. Trying to sound braver that she was, her voice ultimately cracked as she asked, "Why?" Bringing her knees up so that no air passed between her chest and the pillow, she placed her chin on the fluffy object and waited for an answer, allowing yet another tear to fall.

He definitely heard the broken sound, causing him to reflect everything. It was an obvious question, but he did not know how to answer it without creating more tears for her. With a sigh, he placed his head on the wall once again, deciding to tell the entire story. She would be hurt even more, but she at least deserved the truth. That was all he could give her at this point.

"She was my first love, the one I thought I would be with forever." Her eyes closed as he began telling his tale. If she had kept those chocolate orbs open, she knew too many tears would emerge. Right now, she just wanted answers. "We were separated by an old tradition we could not overcome." She heard his voice hitch, knowing this was painful for him as well. Could he ever know just how much it hurt for her to sit hear and hear him in pain? Even after everything, she felt even worse for making him tell her. But she needed the truth. Waiting, she soon heard him speak again. "She had been promised to another. When the time came, she was taken away to be this other man's wife." A sigh escaped her lips as she heard this. If it had not been for the arranged marriage, he would have asked this other woman to be his wife. They would have never met or have been together if this happened.

He paused then, trying to get himself together. While it happened so long ago, if things had been different, if she had stood up to her parents, he would have never met and fallen in love with his beloved wife. He had been sad the woman had been pushed into a marriage she did not want, he could not help but be grateful for finding his soul mate as a result. Now, if only he could find some way of gaining her forgiveness. As he was thinking over what to say next, he heard her ask something softly. "How long?"

Sighing, he hung his head in shame. This was the one he did not want to answer. However, she deserved truth. Humbly, he admitted it, "Six months." He knew she was crying once again. He could hear it, if not smell it. There had to be something he could do! "Kagome, I can't tell you just how sorry I am. I regret every time I was with her and not you." As if to reinforce his case, he turned his head toward the door. "She means nothing to me." A small sob was heard on her side, causing his heart to break. Putting his head between his knees, he tried so hard to suppress his own tears. "Please, believe me," he whispered, so low he doubted she heard.

Hearing just how long he had been with this woman, how long he had shared her bed, made her lose control. Try as she might, she could not hold back her sobs, even as she covered her face with the pillow. All this time, those nights when his smile became weaker and forced, she had assumed work was the cause of his weariness. To think it was all because of this woman from his past that he just could not give up. How many nights had they shared the same bed while she was blissfully unaware? Did they talk about how they wished things could have been different? Had he whispered sweet words in her ear of undying devotion? These questions overcame her thoughts. So painful they were to think, she slowly lowered herself, her forehead now touching the wooden floor as sobs wracked her body. Her very soul poured out with each cry, mourning the loss of the one it desired.

Biting his lip, he made himself listen to her, knowing he was the only one responsible. It took all of his strength not to slam his fist into the floor in frustration. He had pledged to love and honor her. He was supposed to protect her from harm, to make sure she was happy all of her days. How could he have done this to her? She was the most precious thing in his life and he had destroyed her. No matter how much he tried to resist, a single tear fell from his eye, joining the ones on her side in pain. Shifting, he now sat on his legs, which were tucked under him, with his knees on the door. Reaching out, he rested his hands on the portal that denied him, one that he had placed himself. Head bent so he was still looking at the floor, he tried to find something to say. "I can never tell you how sorry I am. I've wronged you in so many ways. Please, believe me. She means nothing to me." It was not exactly the best thing to say, but it was the truth.

Forcing her tears to subside for a moment, she turned her puffy eyes toward the wooden door that separated them. How could he possibly mean that? If this woman meant nothing, he would not have gone to her for the past six months. If she had meant nothing, why would he risk their marriage for her? Shaking her head to flush out these thoughts, she soon glared as best she could in the general direction she thought him to be. "Was I just a substitute then? Because you couldn't have her, you amused yourself with me?"

He wasted no time to answer. "No, that's not true. Don't even think that." She was the light of his life, the one he was suppose to love forever. There was no way she was just a stand in. He never ever thought of her that way and he had to convince her not to think that way as well.

"Why did you even bother with me?" This was her greatest fear being brought to light. If he had loved this woman, held her close each night, why bother having a wife at home waiting for him? Why did he have to put her through all of this if he wanted to be with someone else? Why was she not good enough? Clutching the pillow close, she sought some sort of comfort from this pain. If they had been dating and he had done this, it would have been different. She could have just broken it off, cry a bit, then move on with her life. Now, it was even more of a betrayal. They had taken vows, promising themselves to each other, becoming the one and only. He had been her very first lover, the one she gave her innocence to the night of their wedding. He had violated her, used her. There were no words to describe the feeling of betrayal she felt.

His head had snapped up with her question. Staring in shock at where he thought she was sitting, he struggled for a response. Glancing over to his left hand, he saw his own silver band, once shining purely now seemed cold and dull. The day she had slipped this onto his finger had not been a matter of binding him to her, but freeing him. Never had he been so happy in his life, knowing this beautiful creature loved him. With determination, he returned his gaze where it once was and spoke from the heart. "I didn't bother with you. I was _blessed_ with you. Yes, I once held strong feelings for her. I can't deny that. But, you were the one I was meant for, the one my soul cries out for. I love you, Kagome, much more than words can say. It's killing me, knowing I've caused you so much pain. I went there tonight to end it. It never would have started if it hadn't been for my low tolerance for alcohol." Pausing, he waited to see if she would say anything, praying she would. After the stretch of silence, he pressed on, determined and desperate. "I wanted to tell you after the first time, but when I saw your innocent, beautiful face, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want you to end up like this. I'm so sorry. Oh god, I'm so sorry." He could not hold back his own tears anymore. He was going to lose her.

On any other night, those words would have brought a smile to her lips. She would have put her arms around his neck and kiss him with as much love she could. Tonight, they sounded hollow and lacking. Perhaps it was because he had probably said this line to _her_. Gentle tears were all that fell now as she picked herself up and walked toward the bed. This just might be the last night she would spend under the covers that were once protective. She knew he had heard her move, but she just could not respond yet. The wall and door did not provide her with enough space from him.

Hanging his head, he dropped one arm to his side. It just could not be over. He just could not let her go and walk away forever. Taking a deep breath, he tried a different approach. "That day, four years ago, I made a promise to you. For better or for worse, right? We've had so much better these years. Now that we've hit the worse, can we just give up?" He did not have to wait long for a response.

"Don't." He was shocked to hear how close her voice was. She must have moved back toward the door as he was speaking. Not saying anything, he listened as she spoke in a low voice of determination and defeat. "Don't say that. Don't you dare repeat those words to me now. It was all a lie."

He could not stand for that. Raising his voice a bit, he had to correct her. "No! Don't think that! None of it was a lie. Kagome, I have never loved anyone the way I love you. You're my whole world, the only one that keeps me going everyday. When I'm away from you, it's like a part of me dies inside. I stare at the clock, begging to end my day so I can come home to you. If I could, I'd throw everything away just to lie in bed with my arms around you." He just had to convince her what he was saying was true.

A small chuckle escaped her lips before she bit down to prevent it from continuing. Leaning against the door and sitting on her legs, she looked across the room to the pictures hanging on the wall. Those frozen moments she had loved to look at for who knows how long, thinking how did she ever get so lucky. Shaking her head slowly, she voiced the question she knew he could not answer. "Then why were you with her?" Even though the door, she could hear him take a sharp breath. She would at least give him a moment to collect his thoughts and try to explain himself. Whether she could believe him was a completely different matter now. The man she trusted more than anyone else had now become the one she could not believe. That hurt more than she would admit.

He knew she would ask that question. It was the one he had asked himself day after day, wondering why he was doing something so violently wrong to someone he adored. Placing both hands on his knees, he pondered his reply, going through all his thoughts from the past six months. No matter how hard he tried, he still could not come up with an answer. Weakly, he admitted to her, "I don't know." He knew that hurt her. He could smell her tears as they increased. "I guess," he continued, "I felt I owed her something. I mean, I didn't try to stop her horrible marriage. I had left it completely up to her. I didn't even try to go after her. In a way, I let her down." Sighing, he shifted so his back was against the door once again, contemplating everything. He had not gone after the woman back then, deciding that the situation was completely out of his hands. Maybe there was something he could have done to change things. The past, however, was over and done. Right now, he had to save his future. "Kagome, I didn't fight for her. I let her walk away from me. I don't want to do the same with you." Placing the back of his head on the door, he stared up at the ceiling before closing his eyes to give up a silent prayer. She just had to believe him. She could not believe everything else, but at least believe that he loved her more than anything.

Why did everything have to go so wrong? Why could they not have continued to be happy? She knew he was waiting for her to respond. What could she say to that? From this day on, she would be questioning everything he said, wondering if it was truth or a lie. Every time he went out, she would worry if he was going to meet the other woman once again. Every look he would give her, she would now question as guilt or sincerity. Nothing could be the same anymore. Could she really live like that, constantly questioning all of his actions, for the rest of her life? How could they ever be happy again?

As if reading her thoughts, he weakly said, "I know it is too much to ask you to trust me right now, but I will work so hard for the rest of my life to gain that trust back. I will commit myself to making this up to you. Just, please, don't let this be over. Please." There was nothing more he could say. If she was not convinced by now, there was no hope left. He had brought this on himself, on her, and he had to live with the consequences. If that meant he had to let her go, perhaps that was for the best. She could find someone who would treat her better, love her and never forsake her. She deserved to be happy, and if that meant without him, then he could do nothing more.

Her memories were catching up with her, playing themselves in her mind. Each moment she cherished was displayed for her to witness once again. Unbeknownst to her, he was having these images playing in his head as well, causing his guilt to triple in strength. The first time they had met, he could not take his eyes off of her. She had been shy at first, but when he made a point of coming to see her nearly everyday, she had warmed up to him. It had taken him weeks to build up enough courage to ask her out. Their very first kiss was magical, a night she would never forget. She remembered he had been hesitant, looking into her eyes for permission first. It was soft and gentle, nothing too hasty or overbearing. He had asked for her hand in marriage on her birthday, waiting until they were beneath the tree where her father had proposed to her mother so long ago. When she had said yes, he felt he could fly. The wedding itself was simply, but she had been breathtaking. She had been so nervous that night, but when she saw his soft eyes, telling her it would be all right, she gave herself completely. All those nights they shared, just lying in each other's arms as they slept, never daring to let go. They had talked about having children some day, the possible names if it was a boy or girl. And then, his lips against _hers_ before entering the hotel room, the one she could not get out of her head.

Another tear slipped from his eye, rolling away to splash softly on the floor below. What was he suppose to do without her? If only he could take back that first night, he would in a heartbeat. Suddenly, quietly, he heard a tiny click from his right. Confused, he sat away from the door a moment as it slowly opened with a soft creek from the hinges. Twisting his body around, he placed his right arm behind him as a means of support. What he saw completely shattered his ailing heart. His beloved was sitting right by the door, resting herself against the wall. She had not the strength to completely open door, but enough for them to see each other fully. The look in her eyes showed all she had been feeling: hurt, betrayal, pain, and disappointment. Her cheeks were stained from her dried and still falling tears, refusing to wipe them away. Her lips, always turned up in a gracious smile, were now lacking their will to do so. What had he done to her?

Her eyes focused on his, staring into their depths to find the truth. Guilt, regret and sadness swam in his orbs, slightly red due to his own tears. Taking a moment, she closed her eyes and looked away from him. He turned completely toward her, trying to think of something to show her everything would be all right. How could he do that when he had no idea if it would? Cautiously, he reached over and wiped away some of her tears, trying to take them away from her. She had stiffened at his touch, much to his regret, but it was understandable. Softly, he breathed her name, trying to tell her everything in that one word. His life was now in her hands.

Finally, she had come to a decision, one that would be painful, but it was all she could do. Taking a moment, she returned her gaze to him, trying to find the right words. He sat there, patiently waiting for her, letting her know whatever she decided he would do. Sighing, she spoke softly, "The day you put this ring on my finger, I committed myself to you completely. I was so happy, knowing you wanted me to be by your side forever. I really did believe we were happy. That's what makes this so hard. How could we have been happy if you went and lay in someone else's bed, went to her more than once? You found something with this woman that made you go back to her again and again, something you could not find in me." When he tried to protest, she silently told him to stop, to allow her to speak. Reluctantly, he complied. "I trusted you, gave everything to you. There was nothing I was not willing to do to make you happy." Taking a breath, she had to gain the last bit of her courage. Another soft stream of tears flowed, however, betraying her weakness. Casting her eyes to the side, she took a moment to clear her mind. What she said next determined everything from this point on. What did she want?

After a few silent moments, her chocolate orbs returned to him, showing that she had made her final judgment. He took a deep breath, preparing himself for anything. Gently, he felt her hand on his own, but he dared not to look down to make sure. Soon, she spoke the words that determined the rest of his life. "Even after all of this, I still love you. I can't say I forgive you, at least not yet. But, I am willing to at least try. I don't want to lose you, Inuyasha. My heart would never forgive me."

He wasted no time before taking her into his arms, holding her close as she finished the final wave of tears. Placing a kiss on the top of her head, he whispered over and over again how sorry he was for everything. How could he be so blessed when he deserved nothing? She was willing to stay by his side, allowing him the chance to prove to her it really had been all a mistake. She was the one he would always love, the only one his heart and soul would belong to. Tears fell from his own eyes as he held her close, never wanting to let go. He would prove himself to her. Even if it took the rest of his life, he would gain her trust once again. "I love you, Kagome. So much." She was more than he deserved, and he would never let anything come between them again.

With a soft hand, she reached up and caressed his cheek, knowing he would do anything to make things return to the way they once were. Even though that could never happen, she wished for it, with all of her heart. "I love you too, Inuyasha." They stayed that way, reaching through the doorway that had once separated them, until dawn had finally come. With its arrival, the darkness that had surrounded them was gone.

* * *

_-Is that alright,  
__Is that alright with you?  
__No-

* * *

_

Music: **_Nine Crimes_** by Damien Rice


End file.
